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Elaborate lies you can tell your friends about your paintball bruises

Wednesday, September 28, 2016
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1. You were pummeled with small fruits.

I mean, have you seen a fruit before? They’re aggressive, borderline antagonistic. If you feel like it’s too much of a lie, you can say it was a pretty person that threw the fruits at you - just for some extra spice in your life.

2. It’s a lot of hickies

By the same lady who threw fruits at you! This one is a surefire way to be both cool to your friends AND cover up your addiction to paintball.

3. It’s definitely leprosy

Ye olde lie, ye sad lie. Does this disease still exist? You’re pretty confident you got it from the girl that gave you all the hickeys. But given the chance, you’d do it all over again. #YOLO.

4. “I’m pretty sure this is gangrene from hiking Mt Everest.”

Ah, drats! The price you pay for meditating to align your chakras at the highest point in the World. This lie needs some forethought, and a willingness to invest in some zen AF prayer flags for your house. If you have it deep within you to like tofu and dreadlocks then I think this is the safest white lie. You can definitely get away with this one.

5. You saw a bear and adrenalin made your blood vessels blow up.

It’s such a cool lie. Bears are also very zen and PROBABLY endangered. You don’t have to say whether the bear was in the wild or in captivity. This lie makes you seem cultured and also very tough. RIP Harambe.

6. It was a baby with anger management issues.

You ever notice that babies have always their little phalanges clenched? I mean look at THIS baby, ready and borderline DESPERATE to punch it’s own mum STRAIGHT IN THE MOUTH. And you know why? It’s because babies have so much pent up rage from being birthed into a world where Trump is running for president. Anyway, the whole baby altercation thing happened with a girl baby, so it’s not like you could’ve hit her back. This PARTICULAR baby should be in the OLYMPICS due to its super strength.


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