Hello. Have you ever completed a online personality quiz? Are you conceited and narcissistic enough to read about yourself in an easy to understand, borderline insulting way? If you answered yes or no to either question then please read further.
DPS - THE ROGUE.
Image by Magcomsen via AliExpress
Is your moral compass easily interchangeable?
Do you ever consider that in a past life you were probably a backstabbing thief?
Is your bedroom covered in black out curtains because you secretly prefer lurking in shadows?
Are you a religious attendee of Friday’s bar?
Then maybe you’re a rogue. A thief in the night. A stylish, nimble melee. You’re obviously a lot more handsome and mysterious than anyone else on your team. Your stealth ability grants you the opportunity to hide behind an old car and shoot paintballs at your opposition from a safe distance.
You’re probably more partial to the feeling of lighter armours, as you like the idea of easily dodging attacks. You rely on speed and accuracy rather than sheer damage. You leave the actual damage roles to your more plump, sacrificial friends.
Your moral compass sways as easily as the breeze; depending on how easy it is to hit friend or foe - you darn trickster you. You like to chip away at your enemies’ self-esteem by telling them all the finer things in life you own: “I have a formal dinnerware set I use only on special occasions!” Or, “I have never felt the need to use a Groupon discount in my life!” Yeah, that’ll show em.
You like giving other people paintball welts, but if someone comes close to you, you scream: “PLEASE! NO! I’M SO ALONE!”
Can be located at: Friday’s Bar, then later Snapchatting their attendance at Doughnut Time. Carbs, how naughty!
Fashionista critique: Cool, calm, brooding, secretly full of insecurities. Definitely owns a pair of RM Williams boots.
Healer - The Druid.
Are leaves and nature more your thing?
Does your dating profile show your interests include ‘camping’, despite only going once on a mandatory school trip?
Do your paintball welts heal faster than everyone else’s?
If you said yes to the above questions, then perhaps you’re a druid. In paintball, you’re integral to the success of your team. With the ability to shape shift and morph into different supporting roles of your team, you truly are a jack of all trades.
But healing is your main jam. Oh, what was that? You have a rosemary lavender balm for my blistering paintball bruises? It’s organic? And paleo? Awesome, thanks druid.
We get it, you like nature. Farmers markets, craft pale ales, Contiki tours. You really like to rub in your chill lifestyle. You feel connected to the Earth, and what better way to feel connected to flora and fauna than an Instagram full of stolen nature photos? That is very zen of you.
However, switching between healing, damage and tank roles, your own identity and sense of being has slowly whittled away. You’ve lost yourself in your burning desire to impress everyone around you. Please, take some time out for yourself. Put your herbal tea collection sitting proudly on your kitchen bench to good use. Try some meditation to figure out who you really are.
Can be found: Splendour in the grass, West End, shopping online for a vape.
Fashionista review: Stinky, green, always has a girlfriend somehow.
Warrior - The Tank.
It’s no secret that you’re the badass of the team. I don’t even need to ask you any questions. I’m actually kind of scared to talk to you. You can tell you’re a warrior via your willingness to punch nearly anyone in the mouth at anytime.
Whilst not a desirable trait at your day job, your aggression and slightly twisted love for hurting others is necessary to keep this paintball game alive and well.
When you’re on the field, we can find you the middle of all the action. At the end of each game, you’re probably naked in the changing room, showing off the most paintball welts. You’re also excellent at hurling horrible, personal, insults at your enemies.
Your team is actually kind of scared of you, on and off the field. However, your aggression, whilst wild and unpredictable, is incredibly protective of those who are terrible at paintball. You’re more than happy to allow others to cower behind you, whilst you scream your battle cry and accept the pain of hundreds, possibly thousands of paintball bruises. Your battle cry actually sounds like you're not in pain at all. This is getting weird. Thanks, I guess?
Can be found: At the Ekka, or the dude in the car beside you shaking his head whilst stuck in peak hour traffic.
Fashionista review: You’re actually not the guy in the foreground, you’re the excellently camouflaged tank in the background. Whaaaaat! Amazing!
You get two photo’s because I couldn’t decide which photo was better. A photo of an actual tank represents your attributes best.
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